Optimus Prime Makes Me Hungry

I recently gave in, finally watching the first Transformers movie in anticipation for the upcoming blockbuster sequel. I don't know why I was holding out for so long on something that I grew up on and loved as a child. Hasbro was a friend of mine from down the street. I often played with his toys, and now regret breaking and defacing so many of them. I wish I could go back and tell myself not to ruin my future 401(k) plan.

Maybe it's because Shia LaBeouf makes me feel uneasy. There is something about these troubled child stars that I root for to fail. Not only do I root for, but I paint my chest, tailgate, start the wave, and get a Fathead on my wall for them to not succeed. Maybe it's their rise to fame too quickly, the egos that amass, and their over-privileged lifestyle that is their instant parole or acquittal from any type of punishment. It just doesn't seem right that fame and fortune are nothing more than a key to every hot spot in Tinseltown, and a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free Card. There's something to be said about actually putting blame and punishment on America's Next Top Teen Hollywood Idol. Kids need to see that you can't drink and drive and gladly trade the crime in for 14 minutes in the slammer. That's not even enough time to meet your new boyfriend to acclimate you to the prison lifestyle. I hear the orientations they put on are pretty informative. How come they gave Keifer so much time? I guess Teeny-Boppers don't really watch 24. It's not "hot". If LaBeouf and the rest of them continue to get away with everything, where-oh-where are the future Cory's of America? Haim and Feldman are getting lonely.

Or maybe my reticence came from Director Michael Bay. What a hot mess Pearl Harbor was. Starring hot Hollywood hunks Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett, the movie centered around their respective love stories. Isn't the title of the movie supposed to resemble something of a tragic event from war on our beloved country? Why the hell do we worry about whether or not they're going to find Make Out Point? Was it named after a tragedy, because they knew that is what it would be on the film world? Did I just compare a horrible historical event to a piece of crap movie?

For some strange reason, I do seem to remember Tre from Boyz in the Hood shooting a big ass gun in his underwear at the attacking air strike. Don't know why that came up. Or even why I had to mention it here. Huh.

Back to Transformers.
My last gripe is that every time I hear Optimus Prime, I'm forced to fantasize about a 72 oz. Texas steak, which I will get for free, if I can eat it in under an hour, complete with a baked potato, pan of corn bread, and a pint of some kind of gravy on the side. Please feel free to insert as many lines from The Great Outdoors as you can. To this day, that is one movie I have not finished watching. I remember as a kid my mom renting it, being a fan of SNL alumni comedies. However, only a few minutes in, I was given the parental line: "If they say a bad word one more time...." Needless to say, she didn't even have to finish that adage before they blew my cover, and it was off to bed for me. I still remember lying in my bed listening to mom hysterically giggling, trying to be quiet as she finished the movie.

Optimus Prime... sounds so delicious for some reason. "Yes, I think I'll try your Optimus Prime, med-rare, side of asparagus, please." Is this just another marketing ploy from the American Beef Counsel? I remember Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix doing the same thing. "Uh, yeah...I think I'll take a half-pound of provolone and a pound of the phoenix please."

I'd continue to boycott Shia "Future Feldman" LaBeouf, but the first movie was just so damn cool. It was the first time I'd ever developed an emotional attachment to a machine....That Bumble Bee is just so dreamy. I guess I have to see Part II, but only for the wonderful "character development" that Megan Fox brings to the Silver Screen, Bumble Bee's warm heart, and because, it's what's for dinner.

This time around when I buy the toys, I will keep them, only taking them out of the box a couple times to get my childhood joy back. They will then be stored in a temperature controlled Swedish account - safety deposit box entitled "Retirement Fund". I'll place all of my old Ninja Turtles in there while I'm at it for future petty cash.